What do you do when you say the words, “I forgive you” but the feeling inside does not match the words?
You want to forgive. You know you should forgive, but inside you know that you really have not forgiven.
What if you are not able to forgive and let go?
It begins with a perceived wrong. You are upset, hurt, maybe resentful or angry. You know the “right” thing to do is to forgive, but you are not feeling it. You know that Love is the answer to everything, but you're just not finding it. You want to want to forgive, to let go, to find yourself in Love again and move on, but something is preventing that from happening. Or instead, maybe you are able to find the words to say, “I forgive you”, but then your negative feelings about the perceived wrong keeps coming back, the memory of the event keeps popping in your thoughts. You hear the hurtful dialogue over and over again in your head. Sometimes you even find yourself responding to the inner dialogue or inner struggle and commenting back!
Most people choose to push down or avoid the re-occurrences of these types of thoughts or feelings with various avoidance techniques: junk food, drinks, media, overworking, sex, blame, etc. It can be challenging to find the courage and self-love needed to look continually deeper and deeper underneath what is happening to find the Truth of a situation.
Have you ever wondered why you can't just FORGIVE and be done with it all? Why can't you just say the magical words, “I forgive you” and have it all feel better inside instantaneously? Wouldn't it be wonderful to be this type of forgiveness wizard?
Let us begin by looking closer at the word forgiveness. Merriam-Webster online dictionary at www.merriam-webster.com has the definition of forgive as: "to give up resentment of or claim to requital for and to cease to feel resentment against".
The first key to unlocking forgiveness is contained in the definition itself; Resentment. Resentment is a feeling. Specifically, it is a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury. Feelings generally are very difficult to control and change quickly in a moment’s decision. A change in a feeling generally requires a process over time, versus a quick moment. Therefore, forgiveness is a process also as it involves feelings. It can be a sure path to suffering to expect instant forgiveness and then not be able to deliver it in the moment.
The goal is then to move from resentment (or blame) back into Love, or, have Love overtake the resentment. When the desire to forgive is present, saying the words, "I forgive you", or "I forgive me", is a great beginning point. It can be the intention set for yourself right now. Even if it does not feel like the full truth in this moment. It is the intended outcome and thus the beginning point or goal. Make this declaration in first person, present tense. Declare this out loud, as if it were true for you now.
The next step in the process of forgiveness is the investigation. As the goal is to not only say the words but also to be emotionally aligned with the words, a shift has to occur inwardly. In other words, begin looking closely at those reoccurring thoughts and feelings where the perceived wrong happened. When there is more for you to learn or integrate, your mind has a way of not allowing you off the hook. The repeating of the event over and over again in your mind's eye is a way of telling you to “look here again, there is something left behind or more to learn.”
Mark Twain refers to these lessons as a fragrance in his quote, “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” What is the fragrance that is left with you about the perceived wrong?
One very helpful method to get closer to your fragrance is to lie down in a comfortable place and get into a mind balancing body position called the “Whole Brain Posture”. This is an ancient yogic pose also called, "Hook-ups", that promotes balance in mind, body and spirit. The method is to cross your straight legs at your ankles and your arms at your wrists with palms facing each other and fingers interlaced. Be comfortable and relax the arms and legs in this position with the hands in your lap or tucked up into your chest. Now purposefully and with focused attention, close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, intend to realign with Love, restate your goal, (I forgive you), and bring to mind again the situation that has been repeating itself to you: the perceived wrong. Be courageous in looking at the details of the event and in feeling every emotion that comes forward. Stay with it! Make this the most important thing you are doing right now.
Mahatma Gandhi is quoted as saying, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Be strong in this rewind meditation and delve deeply into the situation, uncovering all that you did not see before. Allow the event to flood you with words, ideas, sensations, emotions, thoughts, and more. Stay with it as long there is an emotional charge in any form. Simply watch it all on the screen of your mind, as a fully attentive witness.
Notice the event just as it was. There is no need to change it in this moment, only to witness it. Forgiveness can been seen as giving up the possibility or need of a better past. Notice that you cannot change the event in this moment. What is available is Love and Acceptance of this perceived wrong. See if you can move closer to, or, into these two amazing ways of being in this new moment.
When this quiet meditative state is held until a calming effect is felt (this can be anywhere from 5 seconds to 90 minutes), a missing peace will likely come to you. It may be a piece of you that you left behind in that original situation (some call this soul retrieval), or a way of seeing the event that did not occur to you before (an expanded state of consciousness or Love), or perhaps something else. A shift is generally guaranteed if you stay with it in patience, bravery and curiosity while holding your intention to forgive.
Be tender with yourself and patient. Forgiveness will come in the process of being present with yourself and the perceived wrong.